Shatter & Fly
Shatter and Fly
By: Vash-chan
Summary: Alone, glass shatters and then you fly.
Shatter and Fly
© Vash-chan, 2010
You sit alone, embracing the fresh spring air, your fingers clutching the bottle of fruit juice firmly as if strangling the life out of a murderous thug. You wonder if the glass will shatter if you tighten your grip harder. But it is unlikely since you don’t even have superhuman strength but you hope the bottle will crack from your fingers eventually. This is the first time you have been beyond stressed in your life. Panic has always hidden inside your heart since the day you were brought to this world. But now at this age it pains you to see everyone around are easily moving on without worries.
The younger generation have already fucked underage and gotten so pissed behind their parents' back before the age of 18. They go all out when they start fresher year at university – sleep with many random people, club till they vomit. More importantly they embrace freedom from their original household. Such activities disturb you about the generation of now. Already those ten years your junior has experienced climaxes and heartache. You've only experienced your own heartache through failed friendships and lack of trust from people. You hate being stabbed in the back and would do anything to turn back time to make sure those so-called friends never clashed with you.
A little voice tells you to suck it up and be grateful you're not born in a developing country. It almost sounds like your parents, moaning about your personal tastes and general way of living.
"Fair enough," you agree with the reprimanding voice. "But why is it a crime when people reflect on their lives, even during their most hectic lifestyles?" You know you like to think a lot, hell daydreaming is the norm of your routine. But what you often think of relates to fear. Fear of getting old, dying alone with no partner or relative to mourn you. Your current fear is of not having achieved a damn thing in life. Not having a prospective job which proves your worthy presence.
All your cousins have done their decent bits in life. They've graduated, become the oh-so-cliché accountant, lawyer, doctor or Asian IT geek of the decade. They've even found their partners and started a family… except you. You're nearly 27 and haven't done those taboos which relate to shagging and drugs. Others find you petty because you're still clean and think you’re a prude with no life because you disapprove of clubbing in noisy bars and travelling around the world every month.
“I can’t take the risk of being date-raped and refuse to show my assets at pervs in bars," you mutter to the air. You prefer gigs if you had to choose. But nowadays you're not so sure if you are capable of dealing with them as much as dodgy clubs. You wonder if you're a xenophobe who can't get on with anybody, no matter how big the crowd. You haven't even touched the rock'n'roll lifestyle yet. For all you know if you accomplished a guitar skill at professional level who knows what might happen. You dislike the rock and metal egotism most musicians of that genre develop when they master their instrument. Apart from that concern you worry about falling into the trap of becoming a Jimi Hendrix or Sid Vicious. Die young through hard rocking and drugs.
Gigs are an addiction of their own. You embrace your favourite musician's live performance. Sometimes you try to catch whatever they throw at the crowd but hardly succeed. People piss you off when they forcefully push you away from the front to get a better view which tempts you to start mosh pits though they're things you don't like at all. Why push for no reason? You would rather attack someone who showed disrespect in a gig. If they pushed you randomly because they hated you only then you would push back. You have even tried to wait for band members after their gig though they seldom show themselves and keep the fans waiting all night.
What is also worse is that you can't speak Chinese properly. A setback for being a BBC who isn’t constantly spoken to in Chinese. HK BBCs are the more commonly known around here though you’re not one of them. You feel yourself shiver when you think about what could happen if you do not ever master Chinese properly. You realise Westerners will be better than you and the native Chinese speakers. Hang on wait aren't they already better? China is growing strong each day thus more people will start learning it. No gwei jokes anymore as they will probably take on the Mandarin language with a billion times more interest than you and know when Chinese are insulting them. As China 's economy grows, so do the Chinese egos. No wonder you cannot get on with them. No wonder you couldn't get on with your teachers when you were studying Mandarin two years ago.
"They singled me out in classes all the time," You remember everything. Suddenly the fruit juice you’re drinking becomes more sour than usual as you reminisce. "Each day I’d be criticised for my tones. Even those with worse accents were ignored." Another reason for your poor learning is down to laziness and lack of interest. None of this would be a problem if you were not Chinese. That isn't to say you'd immediately change your skin colour. You know you're Chinese but you aren't exactly proud of it. Chinese culture just doesn't connect to you as deeply. Your relatives think you're too British to get the Chinese culture. All these years you have tried to balance both the British and Chinese side. It's been a nightmare to do but the reluctance is from embarrassment and no motivation. OK your Chinese language is apparently crap but then again your relatives can't exactly speak with a proper English or Northerner accent even if they are well-educated. So why argue?
Your senses become more alert when you hear whispers by the door.
“So much for privacy.” You grit your teeth and begin to get nervous, expecting the doorknob to turn and be greeted by colleagues who happen to be in the same place at the wrong time. It is difficult to hide at the top as there aren’t any higher walls to hide behind. You know you’re definitely going to get in trouble once the door opens. Whoever is by the door will see to it you get in trouble since you knew where to find the keys to every secure area in the building.
After five minutes of constant rattling and you panicking over where is the best place to be hidden the voices quieten and when the people realise the door is locked they walk away. You are unsure of when they will return but let the worry slide away as you resume your alone time. Lunch break isn’t finished for another 20 minutes. Still enough time to kill. Another idea comes up while you enjoy the lonely hour. Once finishing the bottle's contents you drop it without hesitation, just to see how loud the crash is. You may not be at a skyscraper but the sound of smashing glass is still loud enough to hear and people walking past the building jump when they hear the shattering close by.
“Hmm, not bad,” you mutter as you stare down. It's not busy downstairs and not many pedestrians are walking by today. You wonder if the murky idea that you have been suppressing all day is actually worth it. The self-reflecting during your you time has been intense for sure but would you dare yourself to do that stunt? You know you have caused a lot of stress for people around you, namely your family... or what is left of it. The family household has been rocky the minute you turned 18. Everything went downhill, didn't it? More arguments about finding a boyfriend, getting a better job and moving out always spring to mind. How can you talk to someone close without throwing a tantrum?
“I'm just a small fish.” You feel your eyes become watery as you get up on your feet. “I just don't have what it takes to be as intelligent and independent as everyone I know.” Sigh. “Dammit.” Jealousy is a sin but you cannot erase it easily. You can't help the constant envy when someone gets a new job which pays well. A job they have been chasing and dreaming about for so long. Your indecisiveness has definitely pulled you down from the steps to becoming a career-driven woman. You can't even decide what you want to be. It always changes and you hate yourself for being like that. You panic over everything. No wonder your 'friends' and family have trouble talking to you, taking you seriously. Hell, no wonder you cannot get someone decent and trustworthy to go to gigs with you, an individual who won't force you to drink or smoke or do something utterly stupid. Same with finding a boyfriend. Not happening if you're a fusspot. You just can't win.
The little voice pokes you in the head, prompting you to make a final decision on what you want to do right now. Nobody is watching you down there. Why not just scream to release your stress? Or swear in four different languages and curse the pricks who don't give you much respect?
Instead you stand on the rooftop and close your eyes. Maybe this daily alone time is for your benefit. The gust surrounds you as you feel yourself floating, becoming lighter. Thank god it's not raining or snowing today. It would have ruined the feeling of peacefulness. With both eyes closed, you laugh and spread your arms out.
“Wish I had wings,” you say. “I'd be a bird... or an angel who lives on the clouds.” Surely that would be more interesting to fly in the sky than have to listen to a stuck-up manager tell his minions about how the office should be organised. Of course it would. Nobody would be annoyed by your severe poker face. You would be out of harm's way. That's sounds like a nice wish the voice jokes.
The light, inner feeling suddenly intensifies after five minutes. The back of your mind tells you something is up. You do realise you are floating in the air... though you never thought it would be happening literally. As you open your eyes you see your feet above the ground and you find your own body ascending further and further. What is happening?
This has nothing to do with you. Your mind is not controlling your flight ability. It's like the wind is taking you away with its shear strength. Suddenly this wonderful floating tranquility doesn't seem too welcoming for you.
“Impossible!” You exclaim in horror as you try to move your feet and arms in random directions, hoping to find a way to stop this unasked flying experience. “OK whoever is doing this, get me down right now. I didn't ask for this.” Many curse words unleash from your lips and in doing so it only worsens your flying. The buildings below get smaller and you find the wind becoming stronger and faster each time you struggle to gain control. In a matter of seconds you're somewhere you have never been to. Before trying to work out your new location a sudden whoosh of fatigue hits you like a brick and you feel your strength fading instantly.
By: Vash-chan
Summary: Alone, glass shatters and then you fly.
Shatter and Fly
© Vash-chan, 2010
You sit alone, embracing the fresh spring air, your fingers clutching the bottle of fruit juice firmly as if strangling the life out of a murderous thug. You wonder if the glass will shatter if you tighten your grip harder. But it is unlikely since you don’t even have superhuman strength but you hope the bottle will crack from your fingers eventually. This is the first time you have been beyond stressed in your life. Panic has always hidden inside your heart since the day you were brought to this world. But now at this age it pains you to see everyone around are easily moving on without worries.
The younger generation have already fucked underage and gotten so pissed behind their parents' back before the age of 18. They go all out when they start fresher year at university – sleep with many random people, club till they vomit. More importantly they embrace freedom from their original household. Such activities disturb you about the generation of now. Already those ten years your junior has experienced climaxes and heartache. You've only experienced your own heartache through failed friendships and lack of trust from people. You hate being stabbed in the back and would do anything to turn back time to make sure those so-called friends never clashed with you.
A little voice tells you to suck it up and be grateful you're not born in a developing country. It almost sounds like your parents, moaning about your personal tastes and general way of living.
"Fair enough," you agree with the reprimanding voice. "But why is it a crime when people reflect on their lives, even during their most hectic lifestyles?" You know you like to think a lot, hell daydreaming is the norm of your routine. But what you often think of relates to fear. Fear of getting old, dying alone with no partner or relative to mourn you. Your current fear is of not having achieved a damn thing in life. Not having a prospective job which proves your worthy presence.
All your cousins have done their decent bits in life. They've graduated, become the oh-so-cliché accountant, lawyer, doctor or Asian IT geek of the decade. They've even found their partners and started a family… except you. You're nearly 27 and haven't done those taboos which relate to shagging and drugs. Others find you petty because you're still clean and think you’re a prude with no life because you disapprove of clubbing in noisy bars and travelling around the world every month.
“I can’t take the risk of being date-raped and refuse to show my assets at pervs in bars," you mutter to the air. You prefer gigs if you had to choose. But nowadays you're not so sure if you are capable of dealing with them as much as dodgy clubs. You wonder if you're a xenophobe who can't get on with anybody, no matter how big the crowd. You haven't even touched the rock'n'roll lifestyle yet. For all you know if you accomplished a guitar skill at professional level who knows what might happen. You dislike the rock and metal egotism most musicians of that genre develop when they master their instrument. Apart from that concern you worry about falling into the trap of becoming a Jimi Hendrix or Sid Vicious. Die young through hard rocking and drugs.
Gigs are an addiction of their own. You embrace your favourite musician's live performance. Sometimes you try to catch whatever they throw at the crowd but hardly succeed. People piss you off when they forcefully push you away from the front to get a better view which tempts you to start mosh pits though they're things you don't like at all. Why push for no reason? You would rather attack someone who showed disrespect in a gig. If they pushed you randomly because they hated you only then you would push back. You have even tried to wait for band members after their gig though they seldom show themselves and keep the fans waiting all night.
What is also worse is that you can't speak Chinese properly. A setback for being a BBC who isn’t constantly spoken to in Chinese. HK BBCs are the more commonly known around here though you’re not one of them. You feel yourself shiver when you think about what could happen if you do not ever master Chinese properly. You realise Westerners will be better than you and the native Chinese speakers. Hang on wait aren't they already better? China is growing strong each day thus more people will start learning it. No gwei jokes anymore as they will probably take on the Mandarin language with a billion times more interest than you and know when Chinese are insulting them. As China 's economy grows, so do the Chinese egos. No wonder you cannot get on with them. No wonder you couldn't get on with your teachers when you were studying Mandarin two years ago.
"They singled me out in classes all the time," You remember everything. Suddenly the fruit juice you’re drinking becomes more sour than usual as you reminisce. "Each day I’d be criticised for my tones. Even those with worse accents were ignored." Another reason for your poor learning is down to laziness and lack of interest. None of this would be a problem if you were not Chinese. That isn't to say you'd immediately change your skin colour. You know you're Chinese but you aren't exactly proud of it. Chinese culture just doesn't connect to you as deeply. Your relatives think you're too British to get the Chinese culture. All these years you have tried to balance both the British and Chinese side. It's been a nightmare to do but the reluctance is from embarrassment and no motivation. OK your Chinese language is apparently crap but then again your relatives can't exactly speak with a proper English or Northerner accent even if they are well-educated. So why argue?
Your senses become more alert when you hear whispers by the door.
“So much for privacy.” You grit your teeth and begin to get nervous, expecting the doorknob to turn and be greeted by colleagues who happen to be in the same place at the wrong time. It is difficult to hide at the top as there aren’t any higher walls to hide behind. You know you’re definitely going to get in trouble once the door opens. Whoever is by the door will see to it you get in trouble since you knew where to find the keys to every secure area in the building.
After five minutes of constant rattling and you panicking over where is the best place to be hidden the voices quieten and when the people realise the door is locked they walk away. You are unsure of when they will return but let the worry slide away as you resume your alone time. Lunch break isn’t finished for another 20 minutes. Still enough time to kill. Another idea comes up while you enjoy the lonely hour. Once finishing the bottle's contents you drop it without hesitation, just to see how loud the crash is. You may not be at a skyscraper but the sound of smashing glass is still loud enough to hear and people walking past the building jump when they hear the shattering close by.
“Hmm, not bad,” you mutter as you stare down. It's not busy downstairs and not many pedestrians are walking by today. You wonder if the murky idea that you have been suppressing all day is actually worth it. The self-reflecting during your you time has been intense for sure but would you dare yourself to do that stunt? You know you have caused a lot of stress for people around you, namely your family... or what is left of it. The family household has been rocky the minute you turned 18. Everything went downhill, didn't it? More arguments about finding a boyfriend, getting a better job and moving out always spring to mind. How can you talk to someone close without throwing a tantrum?
“I'm just a small fish.” You feel your eyes become watery as you get up on your feet. “I just don't have what it takes to be as intelligent and independent as everyone I know.” Sigh. “Dammit.” Jealousy is a sin but you cannot erase it easily. You can't help the constant envy when someone gets a new job which pays well. A job they have been chasing and dreaming about for so long. Your indecisiveness has definitely pulled you down from the steps to becoming a career-driven woman. You can't even decide what you want to be. It always changes and you hate yourself for being like that. You panic over everything. No wonder your 'friends' and family have trouble talking to you, taking you seriously. Hell, no wonder you cannot get someone decent and trustworthy to go to gigs with you, an individual who won't force you to drink or smoke or do something utterly stupid. Same with finding a boyfriend. Not happening if you're a fusspot. You just can't win.
The little voice pokes you in the head, prompting you to make a final decision on what you want to do right now. Nobody is watching you down there. Why not just scream to release your stress? Or swear in four different languages and curse the pricks who don't give you much respect?
Instead you stand on the rooftop and close your eyes. Maybe this daily alone time is for your benefit. The gust surrounds you as you feel yourself floating, becoming lighter. Thank god it's not raining or snowing today. It would have ruined the feeling of peacefulness. With both eyes closed, you laugh and spread your arms out.
“Wish I had wings,” you say. “I'd be a bird... or an angel who lives on the clouds.” Surely that would be more interesting to fly in the sky than have to listen to a stuck-up manager tell his minions about how the office should be organised. Of course it would. Nobody would be annoyed by your severe poker face. You would be out of harm's way. That's sounds like a nice wish the voice jokes.
The light, inner feeling suddenly intensifies after five minutes. The back of your mind tells you something is up. You do realise you are floating in the air... though you never thought it would be happening literally. As you open your eyes you see your feet above the ground and you find your own body ascending further and further. What is happening?
This has nothing to do with you. Your mind is not controlling your flight ability. It's like the wind is taking you away with its shear strength. Suddenly this wonderful floating tranquility doesn't seem too welcoming for you.
“Impossible!” You exclaim in horror as you try to move your feet and arms in random directions, hoping to find a way to stop this unasked flying experience. “OK whoever is doing this, get me down right now. I didn't ask for this.” Many curse words unleash from your lips and in doing so it only worsens your flying. The buildings below get smaller and you find the wind becoming stronger and faster each time you struggle to gain control. In a matter of seconds you're somewhere you have never been to. Before trying to work out your new location a sudden whoosh of fatigue hits you like a brick and you feel your strength fading instantly.